Below is an excerpt from my journal from July . This is now days after the summer event that changed the path of our live. This is days after an event that would close doors in a dramatic way. The words below don’t make a lot of sense, but it is what I typed at the time. Reviewing it, it is clear that I stepped up with little coherence to what was going on. The stages of grief, step one. Denial, shock.
It’s been two days.
I’m numb. Without words.
I’ve read, I’ve had my time with you Lord, but I cannot keep my concentration.
Numb is the only word that describes it.
I don’t even know how to express what is going on right now. Our life is spinning. My head is spinning. What just happened? Did it really happen? Is it really happening?
Why has everything just been taken away from us? Is this, Really, Happening?
Two days ago everything was normal. Well, maybe not normal, but functional.
Now, nothing is right. Everything feels wrong. Everything is wrong. Is this under Your control Lord? It certainly isn’t under my control.
Everything is spinning.
I can’t think straight. People are trying to tell me that everything will be okay. I am trying to tell myself, “it will be okay.”
Nothing feels like its okay. Why am I even typing right now? I have nothing to say right now. Usually when I type, when I journal, my mind is racing faster than I can type. Not now. Everything has slowed down….my mind is slower than my hands on this keyboard.
Is this really happening?
Lord, be merciful. Give us strength to walk through this in a way that will prove that we love you — for your glory. My will is out the window, may yours prevail!